Most people have some colleagues whose behaviour they find difficult. The colleague who interrupts constantly, the manager who doesn't seem to listen, the person who always has something negative to say, or someone who becomes defensive the moment they receive feedback. Sometimes people address this behaviour. But often they don't. They complain to another colleague, get irritated, avoid the person or hope things will improve. And then, exactly the same thing happens again.
When behaviour repeatedly affects collaboration, relationships or the working atmosphere, it deserves attention.
Here are five ways to handle these situations more effectively.
1. Don't wait for the irritation to build up
People often postpone difficult conversations because they don't want to create tension. But meanwhile, the irritation grows and the behaviour continues.
It helps to address the behaviour while the situation is still manageable. For example: "I've noticed that several times when I'm explaining something, you start talking before I've finished. Could you let me finish my point?" The other person may not even realise what they're doing. There is a difference between disliking someone's habits and needing to address behaviour that causes problems.
2. Know your role and know your goal
Not every irritating habit needs a conversation and not every problem is for one colleague to solve. When dealing with a difficult colleague, it helps to ask two important questions: What is my role? And what is my goal? Should a colleague address the behaviour directly? Is it the manager's responsibility? Or is the issue serious enough to involve HR?
Then there is the goal. Is it to stop certain behaviour, improve collaboration or make sure others can contribute? Does it need immediate attention, or can the conversation wait until the next day, after an important presentation to a client for example? Know what needs to be addressed. Sometimes people enter conversations with a long list of everything that has gone wrong. But what do they actually want to achieve?
3. Prepare how to communicate
Most people prepare difficult conversations by thinking about what they want to say. They choose their words, collect examples and rehearse possible responses. Useful, of course. But what about how they behave while saying it? The tone of voice, facial expression, posture and timing influence the interaction. Saying "I'm interested in your opinion" while looking at a phone isn't particularly convincing.
The setting matters too. Is this the right moment? Is there enough time for the conversation or are there only five minutes left? Would a private conversation work better? Preparation is about the context, the content, the procedure and the interaction.
4. Observe behaviour rather than labelling people
People can be quick to describe colleagues as arrogant, negative, aggressive or impossible. But what exactly are they doing? Does someone interrupt repeatedly? Dismiss suggestions? Raise their voice? Make sarcastic remarks during meetings? These are behaviours people can discuss. If someone is told, "You're arrogant", what are they supposed to do with that information? Instead, describe what happened: "When Sarah was explaining her idea, you interrupted her three times and said it wouldn't work before she'd finished."
Feedback can be uncomfortable, but it should be something the other person can actually use. Give the other person room to respond. Being observant doesn't mean accepting unacceptable behaviour; it means gathering information before drawing conclusions.
5. Check personal behaviour too
When someone behaves in a difficult way, it's tempting to focus entirely on that person. They become the difficult colleague, the one causing the problems. But what about the behaviour of the people around them? Perhaps a colleague becomes impatient, interrupts, rolls their eyes or responds with an irritated tone of voice. And how might that influence the way the other person responds?
People are often quick to notice what someone else is doing wrong, without recognising how their own behaviour may be contributing to the interaction. Perhaps the other person is responding to something that was said or done earlier.
It’s important to look at personal behaviour too, rather than automatically assuming that the other person is the problem
Working effectively with difficult colleagues needs recognising behaviour, understanding its effect and being willing to have conversations that help people work together. Because when everyone keeps saying "never mind”, difficult behaviour keeps coming back.
Anne-Maartje Oud is founder and CEO of The Behaviour Company and author of WHAT TO DO IF...? How to Handle Any Situation at Work and Come Out Winning published by Kogan.
