It is well documented that good working relationships can enhance team performance and contribute to people being happier in their work. So is not surprising that when faced with colleagues who are difficult to work alongside it can impact productivity, motivation, collaboration, and feelings of satisfaction at work.
Sarah Fletcher is an NLP and Multiple Brain Coach and trainer who is on a mission to teach the Art and Science of NLP and the Neuroscience of your multiple brains for optimal and fulfilled living. Here are 5 tips from Sarah, on how to work alongside a colleague that you don’t really want to
The circle of concern and influence:
One of the most helpful self-development concepts that can be considered is the notion of the circle of concern and influence.Stephen Covey documents this in is his Seven Habits of Highly Effective People. This concept brings awareness and understanding to having choice about what is focussed on and how a person responds in a situation.
In the context of handling a colleague that someone might not want to work alongside, they could put their attention to how they can think and feel differently about this person, rather than focussing on the things they can’t change or influence.
Placing their attention here, will enable the person to
- seek new perspectives and ways of thinking about the person they find difficult,
- and feel more in control and be proactive about how they use their energy.
Instead of getting stuck in reactive thinking such as blame, frustration, accusation and miscommunication, the person empowers themselves to take initiative in their thinking so they can change their behavioural responses towards the person.
It is likely that once they have changed their internal thoughts and external behaviours, the other person will also change theirs. As the Gandhi quote states, ‘Be the change you wish to see in the world’.
Seek to understand
Recognising that everyone has a unique way of understanding and interpreting the world, can be a very helpful way of thinking when being faced with having to work with someone that appears difficult.
Everyone has experienced times where they have felt misunderstood, or where they have found it difficult to understand someone else’s point of view or behaviour.
A useful question to ask could be something like ‘what must be true for that person for them to be behaving in that way? ’ This opens a line of thinking and communication that is curious and inquiring, rather than judgmental and assuming.
It can interrupt a pattern of reactivity and lead towards a more compassionate perspective about another person’s way of being in the world. Everyone has their own experiences that have contributed towards who they are showing up as in the world today.
With a mindset of curiosity and seeking to understand, it is possible to
- see beyond the behaviour that is displayed,
- and wonder about the person as a human being doing the best that they can.
Beyond this it is then possible to forge new ways of communicating and build relationships with a colleague who may have previously been difficult to work alongside.
Self-awareness
Often when a person is triggering something inside of another, there is an unconscious programme out of awareness that is being revealed.For example, someone who is a hard worker at work might perceive some else’s behaviour as ‘lazy or not motivated’, if they do not put in the same effort or hard work. The unconscious programme here that is being triggered could be that the person would like to be less hard working themselves but is driven to work hard because they feel that they must prove themselves.
Another situation could be that a person is perceiving someone’s behaviour as being difficult because they don’t explain things in a way that they understand. This could trigger an emotional response of feeling inadequate or stupid but instead of exploring the internal feeling, the person projects this out and remains in frustration with the other person.
The key principle here is to notice what the feeling is that is being triggered by the other person and remain open to becoming more self-aware to grow and learn from the situations that are challenging.
Focus on strengths
What we think about is what we get. As human beings we distort, generalise, and delete information to be able to process the world around us. Unfortunately, what can happen is that depending on the filters we use to process experiences, these filters can be limiting and prevent personal growth.
Handling a colleague at work more successfully could be supported by expanding the filters in which this colleague is perceived. For example, if the lens in which is being looked through is one that only sees the negative points about a person, then this is what will be focussed on. It’s a bit like the phrase self-fulfilling prophecy. Believing something about a person will inform the information that is sought about them.
In the context at work, it could be useful to focus on the strengths of the individual and what they do well, so that the lens in which they are perceived is more positive.
Social coherence
It is had been well researched and documented that energy is contagious and as humans we are all interconnected. Over the last 30 years the heart math institute has validated a number of practices for building coherent teams and has found that the more responsible each team member is for their own energies, the better the team cohesion.
It has been confirmed that when people are in a state of heart coherence, they can energetically increase coherence in other people. What this means is that taking personal responsibility for being in heart coherence - a state where one of acceptance, appreciation, compassion, and emotional regulation is created, increased communication and group connection can emerge.
In the context of handling colleagues at work, one can become the energetic leader and influencer of powerful team cohesion and productivity by being the energy they wish to see and feel in others.
Handling a colleague that you don’t want to work alongside begins with self-awareness and an understanding of yourself and others. One of the presuppositions in NLP is that choice always exists. It can be liberating to be reminded of this in any situation of challenge in life.
