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Gaslighting – Top Tips to Detach From This Manipulative, Emotional Abuse By Sarah Wilson

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The term “gaslighting” was coined from the 1944 film “Gaslight” and has become more widely recognised in the last few years. It is a form of manipulative and emotional abuse where the “Gaslighter” seeks to make the victim confused about reality and doubt themselves and their sanity in order to control their victim. So gaslighting is, by opinion, one of the worst forms of abuse any one can experience– it became almost debilitating. Gaslighters will belittle your feelings, accuse you of being paranoid/crazy/ [insert other negative feeling/emotion], blame you for any issue that comes up and deny any wrongdoing. Victims feel confused, frustrated, lost, isolated and scared. Sarah Wilson, a Self Esteem, Confidence & Identity Expert explains.  Education In order to deal with a relationship where your partner is potentially gaslighting you, you need to ensure you understand exactly what the behaviour looks like. There are plenty of reliable articles on the internet. Once you recognise the behaviour you are experiencing fitting with the information you are reading, the quicker you can detach yourself. Trust your intuition Often referred to as “gut instinct”, your intuition is vital in decision-making. But human interactions can lead you to ignoring or not recognising your intuition. It starts with dismissing negative feelings when you are about to make a decision not aligned with your values. The long-term effect is that you look to others to make choices and, when that person uses gaslighting to manipulate you, this leaves you very vulnerable. To start to align with your intuition again, first find where in your body it sits. The next time anyone triggers a negative response in you, take a moment to work out where in your body that sits. For example, mine is in my right shoulder, others’ say their throat, heart or head - it’s not always in your abdomen. Evidence, validate and verbalise Wherever possible, evidence that this abuse is happening, not for the Gaslighter but for yourself. The more you can see that you don’t need to doubt your feelings, the more perspective you have on the situation. Your feelings are always valid but it’s good to have evidence they are factual too. And it’s okay to say that you don’t agree with something the Gaslighter has said. Here are some examples of things you might say:
  • “Please don’t tell me how to feel – I know how I feel”
  • “I am not [paranoid/crazy/sensitive], I know what I [saw/heard]”
  • “I’m not sure why you are belittling how I feel”
  • “I have told you about [x], I’m unsure why you are denying it”
Get support Open up to others about what you are experiencing. I felt incredibly isolated and ashamed but, once the relationship broke down, I realised that my experiences were quite common. Reach out to the people you trust the most. They will help to validate your thoughts and feelings. You could also reach out to professionals such as counsellors, coaches, therapists and charities for support. Samaritans are open 24/7 and can be contacted by calling or texting 116 123. Take time away Gaslighters want you to doubt yourself and question your own behaviours. If the behaviours they accuse you of are real and true, then you will experience similar things in other relationships such as with work colleagues, friendships and family relationships. If you are able to take a break and step away, this can give you the opportunity to see the situation from another perspective. Perhaps these issues alleged by the Gaslighter only happen when you are with them.  If you are in a relationship with someone who is gaslighting you, the situation is unlikely to change. Only you can decide whether you get help and support to manage your mindset around the behaviour or leave the relationship altogether. 

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